Star Trek: Into Darkness Recap Part I
“I’m Captain Kirk and I’m an enormous ass. RUN!”
“I’m Dr. McCoy and I’m cranky. RIGHT BEHIND YOU!”
“I’m Spock. It’s hot in here.”
“I’m Uhura and I’m making out with a Vulcan. Yeah, not sure how that happened either.”
“I’m Sulu. I’m really just going to yell about us dying a lot in this scene.”
Volcano does volcano stuff.
Kirk and McCoy leap off a cliff and swim down to the Enterprise.
Scotty: bitches about the ship being underwater.
Spock: Something appears to have happened to the line holding me to the shuttle. I am, apparently, quite fucked.
Kirk: We’re coming to get you, buddy!
Uhura: SPOCK! Who will I make out with?
Spock: You will be violating the Prime Directive. Just leave me here to turn into a charcoal briquette. I’m sure the sensation will be…interesting. Oh, and the needs of the many, blah blah blah.
Kirk: <saves Spock’s dumb ass because otherwise we wouldn’t have a movie>
Back on Earth—
Pike: Dude, you are totally demoted. I’m captain again.
Kirk: Seriously?! Save one freakin’ Vulcan and my world goes to shit.
Spock: I told you not to save me. It is illogical.
Pike: You two want to get a room so you can work out your “issues”?
Sad parents being sad over their sick kid. Sad father goes outside to be sad.
The Cumberbatch: Hey, hi, sorry about the kid. Here’s some of my magic blood that will help her—audience take notes—but I’m going to need something from you. I’m like the British Dr. Lecter and you are my Clarice. Quid pro quo, bitch.
Sad Father: <kisses daughter goodbye, goes to high tech place, pops a ring made of Alka Seltzer in water and blows the building into atomic particles.
At Star Fleet—
Peter Weller: Wow, I have seriously not aged well. But my eyes are crazy blue.
Kirk: Oh, hi Spock. (pretends to ignore him)
Peter Weller: We have a situation—something really bad has happened. Shit done got blowed up in England by a disgruntled postal worker…I mean, ex-Star Fleet officer named Harrison. Let’s go to the videotape!
Kirk: I might actually have a brain cell functioning.
Pike: How’s about you shut the hell up before I jettison you out in space.
Kirk: But we’re not in space…
Peter Weller: Gentlemen? Do you want to share with the class?
Kirk: So this guy is ex-Star Fleet? Wouldn’t he know that we’d all be gathered in this room and…
BANG! LOTS AND LOTS OF DEATH, DYING, and EXPLOSIONS.
The Cumberbatch: Knock knock, morons.
Kirk: <saves the day with a fire hose>
The Cumberbatch: <beams away>
Spock: You should be logical about th—
Kirk: Perhaps you didn’t hear me. I said, REVENGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Peter Weller: Here, take these warheads. They were just lying around. Don’t bother looking inside them, they are completely normal. COMPLETELY!
Spock: So we’ll just fly out to the Klingon home world and hang out at the edge of the neutral zone and then go to this uninhabited part of the planet where Harrison is hiding and kill him. Am I missing anything?
Peter Weller: Yep. That’s about right.
Spock: Am I the only one seeing the problem with this?
Spock: Apparently I am.
Scotty: Those things are not coming on my ship!
Kirk: Cram it sideways.
Scotty: I quit!
Spock: That went well..